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Hello
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Many different sages have observed that it is in relationships that we have the greatest opportunity to learn and grow...and that the quality of our communications with others is where we turn our awareness into actions that bring us closer to our goals.
Our feature article this month is an excerpt from my book, “Living an Extraordinary Life” (your signed copy of the new revised third edition is available now at http://www.extraordinarybook.com and it deals with the toxic effects of a major communication breakdown inherent in being a human being: the need to be right.
That’s our feature for this month plus a book recommendation and some great quotes.
Be extraordinary!
Robert White
Robert@ExtraordinaryBook.com
An Extraordinary People International monthly eZine dedicated to assisting people in living extraordinary lives and creating extraordinary organizations.
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In this issue:
| Being Right is a Life-threatening Condition |
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"I will happily die, rather than be forced to
renounce what I believe."
Muntaga Tall, a religious leader of the Toucouleur people, on her refusal to abide by a new law in Senegal banning female genital mutilation. (Newsweek)
Try this. At a dinner party sometime, kick off the conversation with: "I believe that the most important objective for every human being is to be right." Then sit back and watch the fireworks. It won't take long for some bright spark to respond with something like, “Nonsense!” Or “I don't believe that!” Or “You don't know what you're talking about!” Or, maybe they’ll agree with you, and join the argument on your side. Either way, people will prove your original statement to be true by in effect saying, “I’m right, and anybody who disagrees with me is wrong!”
Over a century ago, the philosopher William James noted: “Man has but one interest: to be right. That is to him the art of all arts, and all means are fair which help him to it.” Put in more modern terms, we can say that human beings have an instinctual need to be right. It's not just important, it's a matter of life and death, a major part of the most powerful of all our animal instincts, the will to survive.
Although it’s not so easy to see in yourself, I’m sure you can see clearly how other people view being wrong as virtually life-threatening. And, no doubt, in more primitive times, when we were threatened by savage predators (both human and non-human), being wrong, making a mistake, could easily cost us our life. Yet, as with many other primitive reactions that once helped us survive, our need to be right is now destroying us personally and as a society.
“I'm right” is what arguments, the law courts, divorce and even wars are all about. The need to prove ourselves right and those who oppose us wrong destroys people and families and friendships. It actively holds us back and stops us from getting more done in life. Once our beliefs about ourselves and our world get established (many experts say by the age of 8 or 10) they become monumentally important to us. We will do almost anything to preserve and validate what we believe rather than look at things from a different point of view.
*** excerpted from “Living an Extraordinary Life” by Robert White. More information and your signed copy is available for $19.95 plus S & H at:
http://www.extraordinarybook.com
| Extraordinary Wisdom
Quotes of the Month |
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Our theme this month is being right and the risks that human need poses to our well-being and important relationships. Here are a few of my favorite quotes on that subject:
"Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right."
Laurens Van der Post
Lost World of the Kalahari
“Wisdom tells me I am nothing; love tells me I am everything. Between the two, my life flows.”
Sufi saying
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
Norman Cousins
“Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.”
Vermont Proverb
A recent trip to the mountains for some hiking and contemplation included reading Dr. Mark Albion’s new book and I thought you might also enjoy it.
"True to Yourself: Leading a Values-Based Business."
 This small but powerful book (only $9.24 on Amazon) is the first in a series being published in collaboration between Berrett Koehler Publishing and The Social Venture Network. TTY helps readers make the transition from founder to leader and to build a business that reflects their values
Dr. Mark, one of the few Harvard Business School professors to actually quit and follow his passions, says that the skills required to become a successful leader are often contrary to the skills that make a successful founder.
Based on 75 interviews with values-based small business leaders and the author's own experience, TTY is an easy read of practical insights of what you need to do and not do to go from visionary founder to a collaborative leader of a sustainable organization.
You can learn more and order your copy at:
http://www.amazon.com/True-Yourself/dp/1576753786/sr=8-1/qid=1156976993/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-9782895-9368150?ie=UTF8
Or …obtain it from your favorite bookstore.
| Extraordinary Living Action Steps -- Being Right is a Life-threatening Condition |
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The action step here is to “give ground.” Practice really hearing others without the instant retort. A great practice is to repeat back to them what you heard – it shows a rare level of attention, understanding and caring for the other person. You’ll become instantly the most popular conversationalist in the room!
A one-liner we’ve taught in our seminars for years is “I understand your point-of-view. Here’s mine...”
Since your conversational partner is just like you and me, she or he will be “right” about what they’ve just said to you. Just re-naming it as a “point-of-view” changes the energy and stops any potential battle for idea supremacy.
Of course, I’m right about all of this!
Wishing you an Extraordinary Life and Extraordinary Organizations...
Robert White
Extraordinary People International
1461 S Ulster St
Denver, CO 80231Phone: 1-303-632-7744
E-mail: Robert@extraordinarypeople.com
http://www.extraordinarypeople.com
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